Since we’re leaving tomorrow for 5 days away, I thought it would be a good time to revisit our trip back from Slovakia in July, minutely logged and excruciatingly painful, to dull my excitement a bit. It took us 11 hours to drive 450 kilometres, mainly for reasons which the log will make clear.
9:35- kids demand pretzels
9:50 – poo stop (unproductive)
10:00- the cornflake course begins
10:15- Maja vomits on car seat
10:35- stop for water and another vomit (I want to vomit on the ants)
10:47: start driving again
10:48- I want a sausage. I want more sausage. I want to go back.
10:51-I want to vomit on the grass
11;00- Maja asleep
11:02- stop to look at dam
11:50- wee stop (adults). Maja wakes up.
12:12- I give in and give them the little cars I have bought for emergencies. We have driven 80 km. Still 365 to go.
12:31- on ramp onto motorway has disappeared, along with the motorway itself which is under construction. We are heading back to Slovakia.
12:41:’Mummy, I want poo.’ ‘I too want poo’
12:45: poo turns out to be a vomit. Vomit in the carpark at Mercury Mart and break for watching a digger and tiptruck. We have to break out the best snack to get everyone back in the car. Still haven’t driven 100k.
12:50: Lost in Zywiec in heavy traffic. Kids demanding more best snacks.
13:12: get onto a proper road
13:34: Maja :I need to do a poo. Me: Are you sure it’s not a vomit? Maja: No. A bum poo. A big brown bum poo. On the grass. ( at this point I am flagging and Franki takes over the log).
13:35: Poo stop (unproductive). We have pulled up next to a digger. A mixture of sly distraction and brute force required to get everyone back in the car.
14:00: We are all starving. Stop for lunch
15:30: start driving again.
15:34: I want to do a poo.
15:40: Poo stop (unproductive). I call their bluff and put a nappy on both kids.Still 328 km to go.
15:53: Little vomit on Franki’s sarong.
16:15: Big vomit into a plastic bag. I now have no mercy and we don’t even stop.
16:45: Janek finally falls asleep with a handful of cornflakes (including the hand) in his mouth. Sweet semi-peace. Maja is still on her second cornflake course,.
1701- We are almost at the halfway point. 250 km down, 258 to go.
1815: stop at truck stop so Greg can have a break from driving. Kids wake up.
18:45: set off again.
18:53: I need a poo. No mercy- I say ‘do it in your nappy.’ Nobody does.
1900: I wanna go back to the holiday.
20:15: Almost home. Stop to fill the car which is a rental. Janek goes into the phone booth and refuses to come out.
20:30:set out on the last 5 km. Janek is screaming because he wants to go back to the phone booth. Maja is screaming because she wants to go back to the holiday.
20: 40. Home. Fuck me.