The longest trip ever

Since we’re leaving tomorrow for 5 days away, I thought it would be a good time to revisit our trip back from Slovakia in July, minutely logged and excruciatingly painful, to dull my excitement a bit. It took us 11 hours to drive 450 kilometres, mainly for reasons which the log will make clear.

9:30- leave

9:35- kids demand pretzels

9:50 – poo stop (unproductive)

10:00- the cornflake course begins

10:15- Maja vomits on car seat

10:35- stop for water and another vomit (I want to vomit on the ants)

10:47: start driving again

10:48- I want a sausage. I want  more sausage. I want to go back.

10:51-I want to vomit on the grass

11;00- Maja asleep

11:02- stop to look at dam

11:50- wee stop (adults). Maja wakes up.

12:12- I give in and give them the little cars I have bought for emergencies. We have driven 80 km. Still 365 to go.

12:31- on ramp onto motorway has disappeared, along with the motorway itself which is under construction. We are heading back to Slovakia.

12:41:’Mummy, I want poo.’  ‘I too want poo’

12:45: poo turns out to be a vomit. Vomit in the carpark at Mercury Mart and break for watching a digger and tiptruck. We have to break out the best snack to get everyone back in the car. Still haven’t driven 100k.

12:50: Lost in Zywiec in heavy traffic. Kids demanding more best snacks.

13:12: get onto a proper road

13:34: Maja :I need to do a poo. Me: Are you sure it’s not a vomit? Maja: No. A bum poo. A big brown bum poo. On the grass. ( at this point I am flagging and Franki takes over the log).

13:35: Poo stop (unproductive). We have pulled up next to a digger. A mixture of sly distraction and brute force required to get everyone back in the car.

14:00: We are all starving. Stop for lunch

15:30: start driving again.

15:34: I want to do a poo.

15:40: Poo stop (unproductive). I call their bluff and put a nappy on both kids.Still 328 km to go.

15:53: Little  vomit on Franki’s sarong.

16:15: Big vomit into a plastic bag. I now have no mercy and we don’t even stop.

16:45: Janek finally falls asleep with a handful of cornflakes (including the hand) in his mouth. Sweet semi-peace. Maja is still on her second cornflake course,.

1701- We are almost at the halfway point. 250 km down, 258 to go.

1815: stop at truck stop so Greg can have a break from driving. Kids wake up.

18:45: set off again.

18:53: I need a poo. No mercy- I say ‘do it in your nappy.’ Nobody does.

1900: I wanna go back to the holiday.

20:15: Almost home. Stop to fill the car which is a rental. Janek goes into the phone booth and  refuses to come out.

20:30:set out on the last 5 km. Janek is screaming because he wants to go back to the phone booth. Maja is screaming because she wants to go back to the holiday.

20: 40. Home. Fuck me.



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6 responses to “The longest trip ever

  1. And you’re going away again? You brave ones. This sounds hilarious, until I think about what it really means.

  2. Renee

    Sorry but I did LOL! Lucky you didn’t have a dog in thei mix – the trip home with the boys and the dog at that age did my head in too!

  3. Sarah Bennett


    Sent from my iPad


  4. Half hysterical laughter, half a feeling of remembered paluszki (sp?) nausea and terrible claustrophobia on reading this. Owl says ‘At least we got to see Zywiec’. it must get easier. Surely? Where to this week? I hope it’s relaxing and free from big brown bum poos on the gwass.

  5. Reblogged this on quollgirl and commented:
    In case anyone thought our trip to Europe was all swanning around in national parks drinking lunchtime beers and playing on waterslides:

  6. Pingback: The Liston saga: final chapter | snippetsandsnaps

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